So a few days ago, Mrs. Hall wrote
this to the girls in her sons' ("the Hall boys") social sphere, complete with a photo of her three shirtless boys (and their sister). Mrs. Hall makes some great points. I, too, think it's inappropriate for girls to post hideous, scantily clad selfies in messy bedrooms. However, it's not because I don't want my sons seeing them "in a state of undress" and then not being able to "un-see it." It's because I don't think anyone should see another person in an awkward, unnatural pose with their lips sticking out. You know who else shouldn't see it? Your parents, your siblings, your friends, your employer, your future employer, your teacher, your neighbour, or ... anyone. Because you look ridiculous.
Mrs. Hall got a lot of backlash, and rightfully so. Her blog post was completely hypocritical considering the corresponding picture of her boys "in a state of undress" in the male equivalent of provocative poses. Really? Seriously?
I figured I probably shouldn't outright steal Mrs. Hall's photo. It's actually a really nice photo. So here is a screen capture of how it appeared on my computer, which I declare to be fair use.
Plenty of other people saw this, too. Like
PigtailPals and
Rebecca Hains. They make good points. They call Mrs. Hall on her condescending attitude and the way she places the responsibility for her son' reactions to the photos onto the women who post them, rather than her sons. Mrs. Hall hopes to "raise men with a strong moral compass, and men of integrity don’t linger over pictures of scantily clad high-school girls." That's awesome! Excellent! But you can't teach them that simply by restricting all access to images of scantily clad high school girls. If they want to look, they'll find a way. You can't teach them to be men of integrity by telling them that girls who post sexy selfies are sluts, which is essentially what Mrs. Hall is saying. You can do it by showing them how to treat people (not just women, people).
But then they start talking about slut shaming. This term has been used a LOT lately. I'm seeing it more and more. Feminists don't like slut shaming. I'm a feminist. I get it. Slut shaming is about blaming women for dressing in a sexual manner and inciting bad behavior in men, or shaming them for wanting to be sexual. Miley Cyrus is infamous now for her performance on the video music awards. She got backlash for doing it, but then the backlashers got backlash for slut shaming. I saw several arguments that her behavior was perfectly acceptable. She's a 20-year-old female exploring her sexuality and behaving like a 20-year-old. The real culprit in the performance should be the middle aged married man who was gyrating right along with her. Miley was just fine.
Re-invent yourself all you want, but there will always be images of you masturbating on stage before millions of people. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.
Bullshit. I call bullshit. Her behavior was shameful. The only place where masturbation in a dance performance is appropriate is a strip club. She was on a stage in front of thousands there to watch an awards show, in a performance broadcast to millions of people of mixed demographics. Masturbating on stage is not appropriate. When my 6-year-old daughter touches her genitals, we gently remind her to do that in her bedroom, in private. When my 5-year-old sits naked on the couch with a giant boner, I tell him to go to the bathroom and go pee. When my 3-year-old plays with his penis... well, I mostly ignore it because he's three and has no idea what he's doing. Point being, apparently Miley Cyrus need to be reminded about where and when behavior like that is appropriate. Miley Cyrus should also pay attention to the people who are suggestion she seek professional help.
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Laura didn't get a picture, but Google did. |
I don't particularly care about Robin Thicke's involvement in that shit show because I'm not entirely convinced he knew she was going to behave in that manner. However, the song he sang is indicative of something that should be shamed. It's an attitude, mostly ascribed to males but sometimes (often?) embraced by females, that Laura observed in the mall the other day.
Today at the mall I saw a teenage boy wearing a shirt that said:
COOL STORY HOE
NOW SUCK MY DICK
It makes me ill that casual misogyny is so easily accepted that this shirt got made, marketed, displayed, purchased, and worn, without anyone ever pointing out how truly dreadful it is. How do we - as parents and as people - respond to this?
How do we respond? I propose the male equivalent of slut shaming: douche shaming*.
That's right. I don't think there is anything wrong with public shaming when shaming is warranted. When you wag your tongue around and wear ill-fitting, ugly underwear while masturbating in front of millions, you should feel ashamed, because your behavior is shameful. When you wear a shirt in public (or anywhere else) that demeans a woman who has done nothing but tell some sort of story or anecdote and then requests she perform a sexual act on you, you should feel ashamed because your behavior is shameful. Douche shaming.
Here are some douches who should be publicly shamed. These images are not attractive. No one wants to see the top of your underwear. It's not sexy. It makes you look like a douche.
Nice toilet, dumbass.
Did you really need to pull down your shorts to reveal your underwear? Is that your junk bulging out? Because it doesn't actually really look like it, so if that's what you were showing off, you fail.
Giant caps are not attractive, backwards or forwards.
Why isn't there backlash toward this male slut, whose only fans are teenage girls?
I'm not going to un-see that picture of Justin Bieber. It doesn't make me imagine him naked, nor will it make me only view him in a sexual manner in the future. It makes me imagine him as an immature dumbass who posted a half naked photo of himself on the internet because he's rich and he doesn't need to worry about employers seeing it. But I don't want my daughter seeing it, at any age, because I don't want her getting the impression that guys who pose in bed with overdone hair, giant headphones, tighty whities are sexy. They're not. Because he's trying too hard, just like Miley Cyrus was trying way, way too hard. People dismiss this gigantic douchebag as a gigantic douchebag and make fun of him. What they don't do is a massive public shaming a la Miley Cyrus. That needs to change. Please, please, please let the douche shaming begin.
If you see a guy wearing a shirt like this, for fuck's sake don't flirt with him. But don't just run the other way, either. Laugh. Insult. Taunt. And get your friends to do it, too. Spill your wine on it. Deface it. This photo is interesting because it came from a
collection of photos of horrible shirts from an event in Las Vegas. I did not the photographer chose to allow the men to remain anonymous, removing our ability to publicly shame them. Rarely does this happen to photos of women behaving badly. Please, can we start publicly shaming these douchebags? We could start with this guy (yes, I've spent some time on Google tonight):
This is JMatthewRoss. He posted this picture on his public dating profile. He is Christian, but "isn't seeking a relationship or any kind of committment" (shocker!) and has a son who is his "everything." Aww, sweet! But remember, he's a giant douchebag who's wearing this shirt. Maybe that is why he describes himself as "sometimes misunderstood." But hey, he's gainfully employed in the US Army, so that's a plus. Ladies, this man is a DOUCHE. Do not date him. Shame him.
@AJNaranjo21 also thinks this shirt is funny, but check out his
Twitter pic. Shouldn't shock you. I have discovered in this exercise that this shirt is available at Spencer's, which also features such great shirts as
Party with Sluts and many multiple shirts that reference the wearers penis. Girls, these men are giant douchewads who do no deserve your flirtation. Different words may (or may not) come out of their mouths, but their opinion is right there on their fucking shirt.
But let the slut shaming continue, too, because if it convinces girls to stop posting ugly photos of themselves scantily clad in their dirty bathrooms or masturbating on stage, I'm all for it. But let's not ignore the guys who do the exact same thing. And let's not ignore the girls who thrown themselves at Justin Bieber despite his clearly being a gigantic douche and jackass or the guys who praise images of women and girls with their boobs hanging out while at the same time calling them hoes and ignoring anything they might have to say about life.
Because all four groups are equally responsible for the perpetuation of an absolutely terrible standard of human decency. So thank you, Mrs. Hall, for starting the conversation, but let's not limit it to girls. I would not want my daughter staring at that picture of your boys and judging them based solely on their physique. Because when I see photos like that, I automatically compare them to photos like the ones above. Do your boys also think their body is their best asset?
I don't know what social media will looked like when my kids are teenagers, but I'm guessing proper grammar and spelling still won't be popular. My kids are going to be taught that presenting yourself as intelligent is attractive. They will be actively discouraged from spelling words incorrectly on purpose. They can post pictures of their hobbies and sports and the books they're reading and their pets and their outings with friends. But if they post pictures of themselves posing for the sake of showing off their bodies, or making unflattering facial expressions, or anything remotely like Miley or Justin they will be told to delete them.
Because I'm raising kids with integrity and self-respect, too, and that has very little to do with what other people are doing and a LOT to do with what YOU are doing.
*Current slang usage of the word "douche" defines it loosely as a guy who behaves like an idiot or asshole. Original usage is a women's feminine hygiene product, so I was reluctant to use it here because I realize I probably shouldn't be using an insult that only became an insult because it's associated with dirty female reproductive organs. But I decided to use it anyway and just acknowledge its questionable heritage and appropriateness. So there.