This Is My Face

This is my expression right now.

I am not:

• tired
• bored
• sick
• mad
• upset
• frustrated
• bitchy
• too cool for school

I am:

• just sitting here

That's about it. Apparently this is called Resting Bitchface (RBF). Normally when I take a selfie, I smile. Then I take several more to smile better, or less awkwardly, or to make sure the double chin isn't showing as badly. But I smile for the camera. I retained my neutral expression for this one, because I'm often mistaken for being any one of the things (and more) in the first list. 

Because apparently girls and women are expected to spend their day looking like this.

I faked a smile for this one. I do look like this sometimes - when I'm reading a funny article, watching children do something ridiculous, talking with a friend about something pleasant, etc. But when I'm just sitting working, relaxing, or having a conversation about unpleasant or neutral topics, I don't go to any extra effort to smile. Just because I'm not happy doesn't mean I'm sad or mad. I'm just me.

In junior high, the most horrible two years of my life, I tried as much as I could to avoid direct attention because it was usually negative. I remember distinctly a teacher stopping in the middle of a lesson to say "Smile, Val!" It was humiliating. Everyone turned to look. There was no possible way I could smile at that point because I was mortally embarrassed. I had been sitting there minding my own business, taking notes and paying attention. I also recall my mother, at home, when I was feeling particularly upset and needing support, would tell me to "smile." Somehow, that would magically improve the isolation and rejection I felt on a daily basis.

Buzzfeed recently poked fun at it with 22 Things That Only Happen to People With Resting Bitchface. A friend asked if those were issues that everyone has. No, we decided. We both just have RBF.

Why is a woman's neutral expression automatically associated with bitchiness simply because she is not radiating happiness? Jezebel's Kristine Gutierrez says, "No one - especially a stranger - has any fucking right to question my state of constipation or anger on the street because I lack the happiness requisite for proper woman-ing." Umm... YUP.

There are fixes for RBF. You could get plastic surgery and get a "grin lift" to literally turn your frown upside down. You can practice smiling. You can literally train yourself to smile more often. But... why? There are studies out there that suggest smiling improves ones mood. I'm not going to look them up to link them, but you'll have to trust me. But there's also a wealth of evidence that forcing smiles on people who aren't feeling cheerful has a negative effect. Salon, who has far better writers than I, did a great piece on it. Among other smart observations, it wrote:

Projecting a cheerfulness you don’t feel saps energy and effort. It is draining to constantly arrange your features like a bouquet for the male gaze. In Why Smile?, LaFrance discusses the psychological dissonance female flight attendants experience after hours of forced gaiety. They report feeling estranged from their emotions (the industry parlance for this state of numbness is “going robot”), falling into depression, losing sight of their true selves.

Yikes! Did you see that? Forced smiles will eventually result in feeling estranged from your emotions, falling into depression, and losing sight of your true self. All for making sure other people are comfortable with your appearance.

Here's an idea. We could also stop judging people based on first impressions. We could talk with people more. We could stop making assumptions. We could actually give people the benefit of the doubt. I find a more honest connection with people who have RBF. Their focus is not outward appearance. They're honest about themselves and their feelings and they're okay with me and my feelings at any particular time. There are fewer expectations. If they have a non-standard feeling or opinion on a particular situation or topic, they can share it with me and I with them.

Resting Bitchface is just... my face. Deal with it.