Friday, March 4, 2016

Meal Plan #1

I started meal planning. I've been kinda-sorta doing it for three or four weeks now. In the past, my plan has started, been followed for several days, and then scrapped.

THIS time I'm kicking ass in the kitchen. Hubs isn't allowed to buy groceries. He sucks at it and has no self-control.

02/26/2016  Fri honey garlic chicken potatoes & broccoli salad
02/27/2016  Sat spinach ricotta pasta
02/28/2016  Sun pork roast rice
02/29/2016  Mon mac and cheese
03/01/2016  Tue frozen pizza curly fries
03/02/2016  Wed pork stirfry w/ramen
03/03/2016  Thu bean burritos rice lettuce wraps
03/04/2016  Fri lemon garlic chicken potatoes salad
03/05/2016  Sat breakfast for dinner
03/06/2016  Sun honey balsamic pulled pork rice lettuce wraps
03/07/2016  Mon pizza w/leftover pulled pork salad
03/08/2016  Tue spaghetti salad
03/09/2016  Wed loaded baked potatoes salad
03/10/2016  Thu coconut curry chicken rice
Here are my meal planning goals:
  • easy
  • cheap
That's about it. I avoid processed. I shop based on sales and modify plans if I find flash sales. I like buying marked down, nearly expired meat and freezing it. Most of my crock pot meals are cooked from frozen - either the entire bag of ingredients or just the meat starts off frozen.

Some things, like the pork stirfry with ramen, come from just throwing a bunch of random stuff together. Pinterest gave me the idea, but my fridge gave me the recipe.

I've been trying to incorporate more beans because they're a cheap protein. Giant bags of dried beans are dirt cheap in the Indo foods aisle of the grocery store. Cook them all at once and  freeze in individuals bags. Bam, Easy can of beans.

Lemon Garlic Chicken


12 chicken drumsticks
1/4 cup lemon juice
1/2 cup olive oil
2 tbsp rosemary (I totally didn't measure it)
1 head garlic, crushed

I think that's about it. I put the non-chicken ingredients in a measuring cup and stirred them together.

I also chopped up 7 small potatoes and 3 large carrots.

I dumped the chicken and veg into the crock, poured the mixture on top, stirred it all up, and turned it on. I started at low for 5 or 6 hours then increased to hot for 3 hours. Probably all day on low would have worked. Or all day on high. Crock pots are mostly idiot proof.
Optional: take the chicken and veg out and broil it for five minutes (I did this).

We will be having tossed salads for a while because I got a really good deal on romaine hearts. 30% off $3.87 I think? So 90c/head, and I use an entire head for our family of five. That and one tomato (60c) and one cucumber ($1) means the salad cost $2.50, not including salad dressing, which I am not about to calculate. There were leftovers. I have no idea what the chicken cost any more, but if I had to guess it would be at least $6.50. Add the carrots (45c?) and the potatoes (75c?) then the meal is up to $10.20 and that's not accounting for the sauce/marinade ingredients. Conclusion? Eat less chicken. $2/person not including leftovers isn't too shabby, but the pork stirfry with ramen cost me about $2 for the entire meal because it was made with a small amount of leftover pork and pork is cheaper than chicken.

Saturday, March 28, 2015

This Is My Face

This is my expression right now.

I am not:
  • tired
  • bored
  • sick
  • mad
  • upset
  • frustrated
  • bitchy
  • too cool for school
I am:
  • just sitting here
That's about it. Apparently this is called Resting Bitchface (RBF). Normally when I take a selfie, I smile. Then I take several more to smile better, or less awkwardly, or to make sure the double chin isn't showing as badly. But I smile for the camera. I retained my neutral expression for this one, because I'm often mistaken for being any one of the things (and more) in the first list. 

Because apparently girls and women are expected to spend their day looking like this.

I faked a smile for this one. I do look like this sometimes - when I'm reading a funny article, watching children do something ridiculous, talking with a friend about something pleasant, etc. But when I'm just sitting working, relaxing, or having a conversation about unpleasant or neutral topics, I don't go to any extra effort to smile. Just because I'm not happy doesn't mean I'm sad or mad. I'm just me.

In junior high, the most horrible two years of my life, I tried as much as I could to avoid direct attention because it was usually negative. I remember distinctly a teacher stopping in the middle of a lesson to say "Smile, Val!" It was humiliating. Everyone turned to look. There was no possible way I could smile at that point because I was mortally embarrassed. I had been sitting there minding my own business, taking notes and paying attention. I also recall my mother, at home, when I was feeling particularly upset and needing support, would tell me to "smile." Somehow, that would magically improve the isolation and rejection I felt on a daily basis.

Buzzfeed recently poked fun at it with 22 Things That Only Happen to People With Resting Bitchface. A friend asked if those were issues that everyone has. No, we decided. We both just have RBF.

Why is a woman's neutral expression automatically associated with bitchiness simply because she is not radiating happiness? Jezebel's Kristine Gutierrez says, "No one - especially a stranger - has any fucking right to question my state of constipation or anger on the street because I lack the happiness requisite for proper woman-ing." Umm... YUP.

There are fixes for RBF. You could get plastic surgery and get a "grin lift" to literally turn your frown upside down. You can practice smiling. You can literally train yourself to smile more often. But... why? There are studies out there that suggest smiling improves ones mood. I'm not going to look them up to link them, but you'll have to trust me. But there's also a wealth of evidence that forcing smiles on people who aren't feeling cheerful has a negative effect. Salon, who has far better writers than I, did a great piece on it. Among other smart observations, it wrote:
Projecting a cheerfulness you don’t feel saps energy and effort. It is draining to constantly arrange your features like a bouquet for the male gaze. In Why Smile?, LaFrance discusses the psychological dissonance female flight attendants experience after hours of forced gaiety. They report feeling estranged from their emotions (the industry parlance for this state of numbness is “going robot”), falling into depression, losing sight of their true selves.
Yikes! Did you see that? Forced smiles will eventually result in feeling estranged from your emotions, falling into depression, and losing sight of your true self. All for making sure other people are comfortable with your appearance.

Here's an idea. We could also stop judging people based on first impressions. We could talk with people more. We could stop making assumptions. We could actually give people the benefit of the doubt. I find a more honest connection with people who have RBF. Their focus is not outward appearance. They're honest about themselves and their feelings and they're okay with me and my feelings at any particular time. There are fewer expectations. If they have a non-standard feeling or opinion on a particular situation or topic, they can share it with me and I with them.

Resting Bitchface is just... my face. Deal with it.

Thursday, March 5, 2015

100 Years of Shaving... aaaaaaand I'm Done.

Did you know that 2015 marks 100 years of commercially available shaving products? 100 years ago, created a razor for women and ran an ad in Harper's Bazaar telling us that women of fashion shaved their armpits.

The razor was "of dainty size" (because women are dainty) and plated in 14K gold. Prior to 1915, for the most part, women's fashion kept armpits covered. "Underarm" was not a word used in polite or mixed company. Later, as hemlines inched up, leg shaving followed. Removing body hair became a standard of beauty for western women that didn't exist prior. Men had hair. Women did not. You could not be properly feminine with body hair.

It's March. Over here on the west coast, it never gets that cold to begin with. This year has been unseasonably warm. A few days ago I wore a dress. I didn't shave. The world did not end. But social media has been telling me there are rules I'm supposed to follow.

First World Problems lady and I are great friends, but I'm not with her on this one. It's quite easy to not shave your legs. Simply don't pick up the razor.

Mayim Bialik, formerly of Blossom and currently of Big Bang Theory, has never shaved her legs. She writes of her son finding a bottle of pink shaving cream (a piece of swag she was given at an event) and asking why it was pink (because pink=girls, if you weren't following along). When she told him that some women shave, he was aghast and could only picture them shaving their face like men. When she explained that, no, some shave their legs and armpits, he asked "Why?" 
My son knows I have body hair just like he knows my husband does. It’s normal and natural to have body hair. 
Yeah, my kids too. A child's standard of beauty starts with their mother. Leg shaving is not a standard they are growing up with as a given. Their dad has leg hair. Their mom has leg hair. Humans have hair on their legs. Some humans shave it. My children can shave their body hair if they want to (later, when they're old enough to not cut themselves), and it is my hope that they will do so (or not do so) because they WANT to, not because society tells them they must (or must not). 

I have fought the hairy leg stigma for some time. Friends have expressed horror at my unshaven legs. I believe one said it was gross. Another has felt the need to defend her desire to shave her legs. Let me set the record straight: if you want to shave your legs, go ahead and shave them. I will not judge you, so long as you extend the same courtesy to those who make a different choice - and in many cases it is the more difficult choice. Sure, leg shaving takes time, effort, and money. But leaving your legs natural often takes courage and the mental ability to withstand pressure, taunts, and judgement from those close to you and society at large. You tell me - which is harder?

Here is a handy flow chart from AK Tettenborn to help you decide whether or not to shave your legs.

Except I would modify the one on the end to say "Go ahead and shave." Period. It doesn't matter why you want to shave. If you want to shave, do it. Here are some more memes that do not imply a culture imperative, created by yours truly.

I will continue to shave my armpits. If I stopped, my shower routine would be thrown off and I'd probably forget something important, like rinsing shampoo out of my hair. I will not look down on women who choose not to. I'll probably continue tugging on my husband's gorilla pits, because that's my job as his wife. I might shave my legs, but here is a list of reasons why I won't:
  • because summer
  • because shorts
  • because skirts
  • because my husband wants me to (I want him to shave his nipples, but we don't get everything we want)
  • because someone taunted me
  • because Gillette told me to
Here is a list of reasons why I might:
  • because I want to
You'll notice it's a pretty short list. I have a number of new dresses I'm excited to wear this year. The hem sits around my knees. I will attempt to document the responses I get as I go about my business with visible leg hair. There may be selfies. Like this one.

My name is Val and hair grows on my legs.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Freezer Crockpot Meals - NAILED IT

A week or so ago, a colleague of mine recommended a website with a set of freezer/crockpot meals, and a few of us at work decided we would all give it a try. Kelly from New Leaf Wellness has done a lot of the legwork for us in that she has grouped recipes together and included a consolidated shopping list for the whole bunch. The idea is simple:
-          Do all your shopping and prep on a weekend
-          Freeze everything in large Ziploc bags
-          Throw your chosen meal in the crockpot on a weekday morning
-          Enjoy stress-free meals all week long

Sounds GREAT to me! I printed out a whole schwack of recipes, then checked my freezer and pantry to see what ingredients I already had on hand. I also looked at every single local grocery store’s weekly flyer to see what meat might be on sale (answer: nothing I needed, dammit).

The website promises that you can prep eight freezer meals in an hour, but in reality I can’t even get the shopping done in an hour. Even so, I think this was still a time saver. I spent 50 minutes in Superstore where I was able to get every ingredient on my list except for two. I also bought several other items for our breakfasts and lunches. My total bill came to $60, of which approximately $25 was for the crockpot meal experiment and $35 was for other food.

My husband then went to Save on Foods to get the two items I hadn’t found at Superstore, which included “two bone-in pork shoulders, often called Boston butts or pork butts”. Apparently these were really hard to find; he couldn’t even get anyone to help him at Save on Foods, so ended up at local butcher Nesvog’s, who sold him the two shoulders at a total cost of $40. I felt this was hugely expensive and I probably wouldn’t have chosen to buy all this meat at full price. Oh well.

Then it was time to prep the meals. This was about an hour and a half of chopping and slicing. I am not very fast at this task, but I did cut some corners – for example, I used baby carrots instead of whole, so I could skip the whole washing-peeling-chopping chore there. I think a good food processor would be a real boon here, and I may try using mine next time.

The difference between these freezer-crockpot meals and those I have tried before is that Kelly recommends doing no pre-cooking of any ingredients – yes, even the meat. So when I made, for example, chicken fajitas, I chopped the chicken and all the vegetables, put them in the bag with spices and condiments, and then put the whole thing in the freezer. Very straightforward.  The snag, I realized, is that I tend to buy my chicken breasts by the case (on sale, whenever possible) – and they are already frozen. So I had to thaw the chicken just enough to be able to dice it, then put it in the bag to refreeze. Technically you are not supposed to refreeze raw meat that has already been thawed, so I guess if I make a habit of this I will have to start buying fresh chicken. I’m not sure how fresh chicken and frozen chicken compare, price-wise, but I guess I will find out.

It took me about 90 minutes to fill my freezer with the following meals:
One Balsamic Chicken with Pears
Two Chicken Fajitas
One Beef Roast & Carrots
Two Dr. Pepper Pulled Pork Roasts

Though on the surface this looks like six meals, it will actually feed us for more than twice that. I have to assume that when a website says a meal will feed four, they are including two gigantic teenage boys. My teeny six year old doesn’t eat too much, so we always have loads left over for lunches and even full repeat dinners.

The website recommends thawing your meal in the refrigerator the night before you want to cook it, which is a great plan because then you don’t have to worry about cramming a gigantic frozen chunk of meat into your crockpot. We ate our first crockpot meal last night – Dr. Pepper Pulled Pork - and it was delicious! It was quite spicy and we were a little worried that Gwen wouldn’t eat it, but she loved it too. Both Chris and I ended up having a second pork sandwich after Gwen was in bed, and I’m looking forward to having another one for lunch today. Thumbs up, all around. And now we’ve learned that while the website recommended a 3.5 pound pork shoulder (remember that $20 cut of meat?) I could actually make two separate freezer meals with that much meat (just in case we get tired of eating pork every meal for the next week and a half). So that will be a cost savings next time around. 

By the numbers:
$65 in groceries
90 minutes prep time
10 full family meals plus extra lunches

So every meal is worth approximately $5 (I’m rounding down to account for lunch leftovers) and takes 6-8 minutes of preparation (I’m rounding up to account for actually putting the meal in the crockpot in the mornings).

Fully worth it, especially when you add in the intangible but invaluable worth of not having to worry about meal prep all week.

Yields: One gallon-sized freezer bag of slow cooker spicy pork

• 3-5lb bone-in pork shoulder (sometimes labeled as “Boston butt” or
“pork butt roast”)
• 1 small onion, peeled and sliced
• 2 tablespoons brown sugar
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1/4 teaspoon pepper
• 1, 7oz can chipotle peppers in adobo sauce
• 3 cups of Dr Pepper (2 cans) – I think you could also sub root beer or
cola *not needed until day of cooking*

1. Place pork shoulder in your slow cooker and add remaining
2. Cover, and cook on “low” setting for 8-12 hours (depending on the
size and strength of your slow cooker). You’ll know it’s done when
the meat easily falls off the bone.
3. Use a fork and knife to separate meat from the bone and shred
4. Strain remaining juice, onions, and peppers left in your slow cooker.
Discard what you catch in the strainer and keep the juice that
strains through.
5. Return juice and shredded pork to your slow cooker, and stir to
6. Serve on soft tortillas with your favorite taco toppings.

To Freeze

Combine all ingredients – except Dr. Pepper - in a gallon-sized plastic
freezer bag. Remove as much air as possible and freeze for up to three
months. When ready to eat, thaw overnight in refrigerator. Add to slow
cooker with Dr. Pepper. Cook on “low” setting for 8-12 hours, or until meat
easily pulls apart with a fork. Shred meat and serve!

Check out New Leaf Wellness Freezer Crockpot Meals here:

Saturday, January 4, 2014

10 Rules for Dating My Sons

Several friends posted a list of "rules" for dating their son on Facebook tonight. It raised some eyebrows.

Here is the original.

The original brings up several thoughts from me, none of them good.
  1. If this is the sort of girl you raised your son to date, that is your fault.
  2. If your son is a grown ass man, this is absolutely none of your business.
  3. If your son marries a woman you view in this manner, and you treat her accordingly, you will alienate both of them.
If you raise your children to respect themselves and others, they will seek out people who respect themselves and others. You might not like their choices, but your children are their own people. Attempting to control them will just drive them away. Attempting to control their choice of partner when they are adults says more about yourself than anything else.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

No gender bias, just stop acting like a dumbass

So a few days ago, Mrs. Hall wrote this to the girls in her sons' ("the Hall boys") social sphere, complete with a photo of her three shirtless boys (and their sister). Mrs. Hall makes some great points. I, too, think it's inappropriate for girls to post hideous, scantily clad selfies in messy bedrooms. However, it's not because I don't want my sons seeing them "in a state of undress" and then not being able to "un-see it." It's because I don't think anyone should see another person in an awkward, unnatural pose with their lips sticking out. You know who else shouldn't see it? Your parents, your siblings, your friends, your employer, your future employer, your teacher, your neighbour, or ... anyone. Because you look ridiculous.

Mrs. Hall got a lot of backlash, and rightfully so. Her blog post was completely hypocritical considering the corresponding picture of her boys "in a state of undress" in the male equivalent of provocative poses. Really? Seriously?

I figured I probably shouldn't outright steal Mrs. Hall's photo. It's actually a really nice photo. So here is a screen capture of how it appeared on my computer, which I declare to be fair use.

Plenty of other people saw this, too. Like PigtailPals and Rebecca Hains. They make good points. They call Mrs. Hall on her condescending attitude and the way she places the responsibility for her son' reactions to the photos onto the women who post them, rather than her sons. Mrs. Hall hopes to "raise men with a strong moral compass, and men of integrity don’t linger over pictures of scantily clad high-school girls." That's awesome! Excellent! But you can't teach them that simply by restricting all access to images of scantily clad high school girls. If they want to look, they'll find a way. You can't teach them to be men of integrity by telling them that girls who post sexy selfies are sluts, which is essentially what Mrs. Hall is saying. You can do it by showing them how to treat people (not just women, people).

But then they start talking about slut shaming. This term has been used a LOT lately. I'm seeing it more and more. Feminists don't like slut shaming. I'm a feminist. I get it. Slut shaming is about blaming women for dressing in a sexual manner and inciting bad behavior in men, or shaming them for wanting to be sexual. Miley Cyrus is infamous now for her performance on the video music awards. She got backlash for doing it, but then the backlashers got backlash for slut shaming. I saw several arguments that her behavior was perfectly acceptable. She's a 20-year-old female exploring her sexuality and behaving like a 20-year-old. The real culprit in the performance should be the middle aged married man who was gyrating right along with her. Miley was just fine.

Re-invent yourself all you want, but there will always be images of you masturbating on stage before millions of people. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.

Bullshit. I call bullshit. Her behavior was shameful. The only place where masturbation in a dance performance is appropriate is a strip club. She was on a stage in front of thousands there to watch an awards show, in a performance broadcast to millions of people of mixed demographics. Masturbating on stage is not appropriate. When my 6-year-old daughter touches her genitals, we gently remind her to do that in her bedroom, in private. When my 5-year-old sits naked on the couch with a giant boner, I tell him to go to the bathroom and go pee. When my 3-year-old plays with his penis... well, I mostly ignore it because he's three and has no idea what he's doing. Point being, apparently Miley Cyrus need to be reminded about where and when behavior like that is appropriate. Miley Cyrus should also pay attention to the people who are suggestion she seek professional help.

Laura didn't get a picture, but Google did.
I don't particularly care about Robin Thicke's involvement in that shit show because I'm not entirely convinced he knew she was going to behave in that manner. However, the song he sang is indicative of something that should be shamed. It's an attitude, mostly ascribed to males but sometimes (often?) embraced by females, that Laura observed in the mall the other day.

Today at the mall I saw a teenage boy wearing a shirt that said:
It makes me ill that casual misogyny is so easily accepted that this shirt got made, marketed, displayed, purchased, and worn, without anyone ever pointing out how truly dreadful it is. How do we - as parents and as people - respond to this?

How do we respond? I propose the male equivalent of slut shaming: douche shaming*.

That's right. I don't think there is anything wrong with public shaming when shaming is warranted. When you wag your tongue around and wear ill-fitting, ugly underwear while masturbating in front of millions, you should feel ashamed, because your behavior is shameful. When you wear a shirt in public (or anywhere else) that demeans a woman who has done nothing but tell some sort of story or anecdote and then requests she perform a sexual act on you, you should feel ashamed because your behavior is shameful. Douche shaming.

Here are some douches who should be publicly shamed. These images are not attractive. No one wants to see the top of your underwear. It's not sexy. It makes you look like a douche.

Nice toilet, dumbass.

Did you really need to pull down your shorts to reveal your underwear? Is that your junk bulging out? Because it doesn't actually really look like it, so if that's what you were showing off, you fail.

Giant caps are not attractive, backwards or forwards.

Why isn't there backlash toward this male slut, whose only fans are teenage girls?

I'm not going to un-see that picture of Justin Bieber. It doesn't make me imagine him naked, nor will it make me only view him in a sexual manner in the future. It makes me imagine him as an immature dumbass who posted a half naked photo of himself on the internet because he's rich and he doesn't need to worry about employers seeing it. But I don't want my daughter seeing it, at any age, because I don't want her getting the impression that guys who pose in bed with overdone hair, giant headphones, tighty whities are sexy. They're not. Because he's trying too hard, just like Miley Cyrus was trying way, way too hard.  People dismiss this gigantic douchebag as a gigantic douchebag and make fun of him. What they don't do is a massive public shaming a la Miley Cyrus. That needs to change. Please, please, please let the douche shaming begin.

If you see a guy wearing a shirt like this, for fuck's sake don't flirt with him. But don't just run the other way, either. Laugh. Insult. Taunt. And get your friends to do it, too. Spill your wine on it. Deface it. This photo is interesting because it came from a collection of photos of horrible shirts from an event in Las Vegas. I did not the photographer chose to allow the men to remain anonymous, removing our ability to publicly shame them. Rarely does this happen to photos of women behaving badly. Please, can we start publicly shaming these douchebags? We could start with this guy (yes, I've spent some time on Google tonight):

This is JMatthewRoss. He posted this picture on his public dating profile. He is Christian, but "isn't seeking a relationship or any kind of committment" (shocker!) and has a son who is his "everything." Aww, sweet! But remember, he's a giant douchebag who's wearing this shirt. Maybe that is why he describes himself as "sometimes misunderstood." But hey, he's gainfully employed in the US Army, so that's a plus. Ladies, this man is a DOUCHE. Do not date him. Shame him.

@AJNaranjo21 also thinks this shirt is funny, but check out his Twitter pic. Shouldn't shock you. I have discovered in this exercise that this shirt is available at Spencer's, which also features such great shirts as Party with Sluts and many multiple shirts that reference the wearers penis. Girls, these men are giant douchewads who do no deserve your flirtation. Different words may (or may not) come out of their mouths, but their opinion is right there on their fucking shirt.

But let the slut shaming continue, too, because if it convinces girls to stop posting ugly photos of themselves scantily clad in their dirty bathrooms or masturbating on stage, I'm all for it. But let's not ignore the guys who do the exact same thing. And let's not ignore the girls who thrown themselves at Justin Bieber despite his clearly being a gigantic douche and jackass or the guys who praise images of women and girls with their boobs hanging out while at the same time calling them hoes and ignoring anything they might have to say about life.

Because all four groups are equally responsible for the perpetuation of an absolutely terrible standard of human decency. So thank you, Mrs. Hall, for starting the conversation, but let's not limit it to girls. I would not want my daughter staring at that picture of your boys and judging them based solely on their physique. Because when I see photos like that, I automatically compare them to photos like the ones above. Do your boys also think their body is their best asset? 

I don't know what social media will looked like when my kids are teenagers, but I'm guessing proper grammar and spelling still won't be popular. My kids are going to be taught that presenting yourself as intelligent is attractive. They will be actively discouraged from spelling words incorrectly on purpose. They can post pictures of their hobbies and sports and the books they're reading and their pets and their outings with friends. But if they post pictures of themselves posing for the sake of showing off their bodies, or making unflattering facial expressions, or anything remotely like Miley or Justin they will be told to delete them.

Because I'm raising kids with integrity and self-respect, too, and that has very little to do with what other people are doing and a LOT to do with what YOU are doing.

*Current slang usage of the word "douche" defines it loosely as a guy who behaves like an idiot or asshole. Original usage is a women's feminine hygiene product, so I was reluctant to use it here because I realize I probably shouldn't be using an insult that only became an insult because it's associated with dirty female reproductive organs. But I decided to use it anyway and just acknowledge its questionable heritage and appropriateness. So there.

Friday, August 23, 2013

Important things to say

"I'm a doctor, Mummy."

She is wearing a green sweater/cardigan/shrug thingy, a green ruffled sleeveless blouse, a flowy pink top with spaghetti straps as a skirt, striped capris length leggings, leg warms tied around her ankles, and pink rubber clogs. Oh, and a scarf tied around her waist.

"Why are you a doctor?"

"Because I am. Now I'm going to go swimming naked and then put it back on when I'm done, because I'm a doctor."

It is hot outside and even hotter inside.

Mary, age 6 3/4


(From the bathroom, while pooping)

"HEY DADDY! Do you want to give one of my toothbrushes to the Phillipines because they hardly have any there!?"

Thomas, age 5


"If you don't let me have two candy things... I will cry!"

"Do you want one of the little chocolate bars?"

"The only thing that will make me happy is one of the other candy things."



Cam, 5: "Mommy, if you don't get me what I want I'm not going to be good. But that's your choice."


"And guess what, Mary? We also get no water park, no fun, and no trampoline. Just cleaning. Clean clean clean."



"Look! I'm as tall as your nipple!" (Shouting) "Everybody look! I'm as tall as Mom's nipple! Hooray!"
Gwen, age 5


Thomas: Well, you don't know everything, Mary!

Mary: No one does!

Thomas: Except God. God knows everything, because he made everything, so he knows about it.

Mary: Yeah... and 1 + 1 should equal 11.


Mom: How about you finish tidying up?
Gwen: How about you stop talking to me?

After dropping various items several times, Gwen was frustrated.  In fine sarcastic form, she shouted:
"REALLY?  How about I just drop everything in the world right out of my hands?  That would be AWESOME.  NO IT WOULDN'T."


Evelyn: Look it, Mommy! I make it!
Mom: What did you make?
Evelyn: Poison!

Evelyn, age 23 months


"Umm, Daddy? Do we have any bacon?"


After giving my kids some lemonade I asked:
Mom: Que se dice?? (What do you say?)
Sophia, 8: gracias (thank you)
Adrian, 3: cheers!


Mom: "Sam, put that way! We don't want to see that! Pull up your pants!"


Cam, 5: "Mommy, remember--the most important part of my costume is the horny hat. DON'T FORGET THE HORNY HAT. And it doesn't have a point, it has a HOLE."


Mary: "Daddy, if you lost a bit of weight you'd just look pregnant."