"You Keep Using That Word. I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means."

My friend Val is a "Children's Restraint System Technician," which means that she has taken suitable education and practical studies to be legally certified in making sure children's car seats are safely installed and properly used. She performs carseat checks, often FOR FREE, for any parent who would like to make sure that their kids are safe. Which, really, should be every parent. Val is also a big fan of Royalty, and was pretty excited to see the first footage of the new infant prince heading home from the hospital in London. Except that, unfortunately, His Royal Highness's car seat usage was pretty inadequate. Knowing that the Royal family is adored and emulated the world over, she posted a picture on her Facebook page pointing out the mistakes and offering her car seat checking services.

The local news picked up on the story, and then the regional news, and now I think the story has even gone national. I've seen her interviewed on television and listened to her live radio interview. She has done a great job educating the public on how car seats are meant to be used, what mistakes to avoid, and how to contact a technician to get your own check done.  What Val has not done, in any interview or Facebook post or even side comment to a friend, is judge anyone.

Let me break this down.  "Judging" someone means making an assumption about a person's character based on their actions.  For example, if I were to say, "Jeff and Jenny are terrible parents because they don't know how to use their carseat properly," guess what?  I just judged them.  If instead I were to say, "Jeff and Jenny don't know how to use their car seat properly, and I want to help them learn," there is no judging there.  No, we call that "educating."

I have seen Val take a fair amount of flack for "judging" people that she actually adores. The Royal Parents don't need to be defended from Val, because she isn't attacking them. It then occurred to me that this might be about more than just car seats. I think we as a society have wandered too far into the territory of boosting self-esteem, at the cost of actually reducing ignorance. I've spoken to school teachers who've told me they are actually no longer allowed to give failing grades to their students anymore, for any reason. That's kind of terrifying. If everyone is guaranteed a passing grade, every year, for every assignment, is there any actual learning going on?

Have we become so terrified of actual information that we deride every statement of fact as "judging"?  If a teacher gives back an assignment and notes that I spelled the author's name wrong, I am not being judged.  I am being reminded of valid, factual information that I need to know in order to complete my course. When I notice my daughter's shoes are on the wrong feet (again), I point that out to her. That is not a judgement ("My daughter is a stupid person because she put her shoes on the wrong feet"), it is education - the instilling of a piece of information that SHE NEEDS TO KNOW.

Now, let me say another thing about parenting. I have certainly gotten on my soapbox before about how much judging parents are vulnerable to: from family members, friends, and society at large. Everyone and their in-laws have an opinion about every parenting issue you can imagine: how many kids you should have, how far apart they should be, what you should feed them, what you should name them, where they should sleep, what they should wear, what they should play with, where you should take them on vacation ... on and on. It starts the minute someone knows you're pregnant (or trying to be) - this sense of entitlement to comment on your experience.  As far as I can tell, it never stops.  (By the way, every example I've listed is something I or a close friend have received unsolicited advice about in the past year.)  My stance on all of that is this: you, as a parent, are the only one who actually lives with your own experience and your own family. You know your child, you know your family dynamic, you know your own needs and limitations and abilities and context. When it comes to your own child and your own family, ALL of those decisions are up to you, and when you open your mouth to start telling someone else what THEY should do, you are crossing the line, because you don't know their experience.  Feel free to *share* what your experience has been (if asked), framed in terms of "this is what worked for us." But recognize that other people have their own needs, limitations, abilities, and context, and that they are doing what works best for them within that context. In other words: Don't be judging.

On the other hand, there are certain immutable facts of parenthood that require a different approach from the usual "live and let live." If a friend told me she was still co-sleeping with her son at four years old, I'd smile and say I was glad she'd found something that worked for her family. If on the other hand she told me that her son slept outside with the dog because he just loves that critter so much, I would suggest that this was not safe.

If she told me that she'd found this great set of marbles and given them to her one-year-old to play with, I would ask her if she was concerned about a choking hazard.

If she told me that she wanted to leave her child unsupervised while she went on a 5k run, I would ask if she needed a babysitter.

And if she told me that she put her baby's car seat on her lap in the front seat of the car instead of actually installing it, I would show her how to install it properly. (Or, even better, call Val and ask her to do it.)

Do you see the common thread here? In every example, there is a piece of information the parent needs that they don't have. Shying away from giving it to them isn't doing anyone any favours. Also, in none of these examples do I mention that I decide my friend is a terrible mother and doesn't deserve to have children. Because that would be (say it with me ...) JUDGING.

Giving information can be positive, too. Here are some more examples:

If a friend told me that she really wished she had something to do with her two-year-old on weekday mornings, I'd let her know that a lot of schools in the area offer free StrongStart programs.

If a friend told me that she had always wanted to learn how to ballroom dance, I'd show here where Parks and Rec offers adult dance classes.

If a friend told me that she wanted to do something this weekend but didn't know what, I'd show here where to look up what's happening on Vancouver Island.

See? Passing information to someone who needs it. Judging and Educating ... not the same thing.

But I'm not judging you for not knowing that.